Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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