Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I have post one night stand depression
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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