Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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