Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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