I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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