hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
