you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
