The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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