if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
