Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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