i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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