you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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