Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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