I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
