How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
