Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
