the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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