she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
