Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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