So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
