Soap is not a condiment
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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