clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
