im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
