My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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