i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
