I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
