Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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