At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
