just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
