I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
