gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have tasted many bathrooms
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
