then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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