ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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