Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
