Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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