she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
