one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
