You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
