my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
