I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
