he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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