Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the day after is always just damage control
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
