i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
