The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
