I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
