A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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