I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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