im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
