I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
