somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
