i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
high people should be assigned attendants
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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